


Maybe The Real Found Family Was This Traitor We Found Along The Way

by alipopsie



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: (character deaths are fjord and caleb), (offscreen but implied all of the mighty nein aside from cad and essek), :0, Angst, Arm Wrestling, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, I'll update tags as I go, M/M, Major character death in chapter 3, Meditation, Miscommunication, Nightmares, Spoilers for C2E97, and having to choose which of your friends should die, astrid is mentioned, based on liam's counterspell joke, but u can read those bits how you want, caleb writes his spells' verbal components in zemnian which is a bitch for essek, direct scene redirect from c2e99, featuring jester lavorre as: shipper on deck, ft. teaching essek widogast's web bc I want it so bad gdi, ft. vague fanchild also being dead oops, hand.. touching...., haven't tagged that yet oops, matching tattoos, more character death in chapter 10, offscreen but it deals a lot with the, seeking spirituality guidance from a cleric friend who knows what he's doing, so is tr/nt, some bits r shadowgast shippy some r just platonic/implied, touch! starved! wizards!, waking up in a dark room with no memory of how you got there, xhorhassian dignitary lap sitting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:27:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23089339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alipopsie/pseuds/alipopsie
Summary: Just a lil place for me to dump my <1k cr oneshots. centring around essek. ignore the title I am incapable of taking myself seriously.also basically all of these were written to essek discord first based on conversations there oops
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & Caleb Widogast, Caduceus Clay & Essek Thelyss, Caduceus Clay/Fjord, Essek Thelyss & Caleb Widogast, Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, Jester Lavorre & Essek Thelyss, The Mighty Nein & Essek Thelyss
Comments: 62
Kudos: 285





	1. Watching and Working

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek takes watch and doesn't know how to deal with nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright this one isn't directly shadowgast but it does have some liittle piney aspects so idk read it how you want?

Essek had been awake for a few hours already, he'd taken over the watch that Yasha had been insistent on, the dark circles under her eyes seemed to show that maybe a fear for her teammates' safety wasn't the only thing keeping her from sleeping, but she seemed to be asleep now.  
Essek wasn't exactly the best at watch, but he knew it was better for him to be awake after he'd had the necessary amount of rest than any of the Nein, who needed twice as much sleep as him.  
So he was flicking through his spellbook, occasionally taking note of a spell that he thought he could improve on, or one that he would like to share with Caleb when given the chance.  
The Mighty Nein had been sleeping peacefully, aside from the occasional stir. Veth had almost rolled across the dome, having fallen asleep next to Caleb but now cuddled tightly into Fjord's side, and Essek smiled to himself as he imagined the way either would react if they woke up first. He may not be the best at reading people, but the sibling like rivalry between them was amusing.  
Essek was taking notes on changes he might make to one of his lower level spells when he heard muttering at his side.  
Caleb was covered in sweat, his face twisted in pained anger, and his eyes were still closed tight. He was muttering something in Zemnian, and the thought crossed Essek's mind to cast Comprehend Language, but something about the way Caleb looked made that feel invasive, as if he'd be breaking Caleb's trust by knowing what he was saying.  
"Caleb?" he whispered, and Caleb didn't respond, still deep asleep.  
Caleb's hands were on his arms, digging into the scars that covered his forearms, not moving, but tightening, nails digging into skin.  
Essek wanted to stop it. Stop Caleb from hurting. Everything in him wanted to help Caleb. But he couldn't wake him, he didn't want to frighten him, to cause him to wake up panicked, or even attack.  
But he couldn't just leave him like this. There were tears streaming down his face, and his muttering was getting louder, more desperate.  
Essek extended a hand cautiously, as if he were trying to tame a wild animal, barely letting his fingers brush Caleb's hand, and slowly settling what he hoped was a comforting touch over the fingers that were dug into the maze of scars.  
His other hand found its way to Caleb's hair, brushing it very carefully out of the human's face, and continuing to smooth it back, even after it was pushed back.  
He felt Caleb's hands loosen slowly, the tension leaving, and his breathing slowed. He kept his hands where they were, though, continuing to run his fingers through Caleb's hair for maybe half an hour before he began to wake, long red eyelashes revealing those disarmingly blue eyes.  
"Essek?" His voice was croaky, accent perhaps a little thicker than normal.  
Essek felt himself blush as he realised the position he was in, one hand's fingers halfway through Caleb's hair, and the other wrapped around his hand.  
He moved to pull away, bringing the hand that had been in the bright red hair straight to his chest, but Caleb tightened his grip on the other, refusing to let it go.  
"Thank you." Caleb whispered, lacing his fingers with Essek's as he closed his eyes, his breathing slowing again as he fell back asleep.


	2. Names Are Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek tries to figure out why the name Astrid was so familiar (set during 98 but only spoilers for 97)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's also not particularly shadowgast but u sure can read it as such if you like!!  
> 

_Astrid._  
Jester had mentioned the name almost in passing, but it had stuck in Essek’s head. He was sure he’d heard that name before.  
He thought for a second that maybe he’d just known someone by that name in Rosohna, but it definitely didn’t seem like a Xhorhassian name.  
The way she’d asked, the way Caleb had flinched, just a little. Something seemed off.  
The name stuck with him for the rest of the night. Thoughts were rushing through his head, he was on the verge of tears but he was too overwhelmed with thought to cry. So any of his thought processes came back to that name.  
But he couldn’t dwell on it. He needed to trance anyway. Everything was so exhausting already and he had business in the morning. Astrid, whoever she was, would have to wait.  
He summoned his spellbook, flicking to a page in the back he dedicated to non-magical thoughts, ideas he needed to keep for later. It was only when he wrote the name that it hit him.  
The experiments.  
It had been part of the deal. He gives them the beacons and they give him notes. Notes on any experiments that related to what they wanted dunamis for. That had included the scourger program.  
He kept the notes in his pocket dimension. No point in leaving them in his own house, especially when he was in Nicodranas, unable to be in his home to hide confidential Cerberus Assembly files from prying eyes. It was too great a risk.  
He thanked his cautious past self for different reasons now than he had when Fjord and Beau had gone snooping through his stuff. This time glad for the accessibility rather than the lack thereof.  
He waved his hand and the files he was looking for poofed into existence in the middle of his upsettingly gaudy hotel room, floating a few feet above the ground as not to cause a racket by falling to the floor.  
The Vollstrecker experiments, the training of young Empire citizens to become elite assassins. The very thought made Essek nauseous.  
He’s almost sure now that this is where he read the name, the files of the gifted students who had been deemed skilled enough for the program. It had looked so familiar written down.  
He flicked through the files, a name starting with A wasn’t hard to look for, he just needed to find the year she was first registered in the program.  
And he found her, after only a few minutes of idle looking. There she was, every note about her on the page in front of him, written in Ikithon’s infuriatingly neat handwriting.  
There was a picture attached.  
A young human girl with short, dark brown hair. Too young. Essek swore she hadn’t looked this young when he’d read her file the first time.  
He skimmed the notes, the way she’d reacted to the experiments, the way she’d passed her tests, every detail of this young woman’s life in the years she’d been in the program. It felt invasive. But he needed to know who she was. How Jester knew of her, why Caleb’s expression had changed when she was mentioned.  
He reached the end of the file and found no mention of either of them. No mention of any of his friends.  
Then his eyes fell on the next page. The photo attached was one he’d never paid mind to before. The reaction to the experiments had been upsetting to read, he’d never wanted to look at the face of this boy.  
But his features were so harsh and defined, his hair, though short, was a bright orange, and his eyes were so blue they seemed to stare right through Essek in an all too familiar way.  
Bren Aldric Ermendrud. His brain registered the name that Essek had no wish nor intention to learn. Each syllable felt violent in his head. This was not his secret to know, but he couldn’t get it out. He waved his hand harshly, knocking a plant from a table in the process, and the file was gone.  
But it wouldn’t leave his head.  
The tears he’d been holding back finally came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact this chapter is 699 words. nice.


	3. Where The Flowers Grow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek knew he'd outlive his husband, but sometimes death can bring beauty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is explicitly shadowgast and it's also real sad I'm sorry  
> (inspired by and originally written on a tumblr post by aceyuurikatsuki with some thoughts from higgity-heck)

Essek broke down when Caleb passed. He’d lived longer than anyone expected, especially Caleb.  
Essek had frequently visited the Blooming Grove, from the day of Fjord’s death he’d visited his friend at least every few weeks, but after Caleb had been planted, he went months, maybe years without approaching it. Everything hurt too much.  
It was a Yulisen when Jester had messaged him, her voice raspy in her age, but still the same cheerful voice he’d always heard in the back of his brain. He’d been used to her long, complex messages, but this one was shorter than he’d received from many people, let alone the eccentric tiefling.  
“Come to the Blooming Grove. It’s important.”  
He’d been terrified that it was another friend’s passing. Beau wasn’t much younger than Caleb, and for a second he worried for Jester, before realising she’d been the one to message him. Then maybe Veth or Yasha, who, while longer living than the others, still got in trouble a lot. Perhaps even Caduceus.  
But when he got there, there was no body, just Caduceus, Jester, Beau and Veth. He feared for Yasha before noticing they didn’t seem sad.  
They led him through the graves to where he knew Fjord was, where there were spaces for all of the Nein, and where he’d last seen the body of his husband.  
He felt himself clasp the amber around his neck.  
When he saw the graves, though, he couldn’t move. Next to the handsome bushel of greens laced with blue he’d seen so many times after Fjord had been planted was a bright array of ambers and blues. He hadn’t seen those colours in months, not these exact shades. Couldn’t bear to look at them.  
They were the exact shade of Caleb’s hair and eyes. The bright orange he’d adored since he saw it, that had become a beacon that alerted and drew him to his love’s presence. The bright blue he’d gazed into for hours at a time.  
“Caduceus, I-”  
“This wasn’t me.” Caduceus leaned heavily on his staff as he spoke, his expression and voice maintaining their usual calm as tears streamed silently down his face “He did this himself. These are what was always growing, this is just his first bloom.”  
Essek had never been a big tea fan, and only kept it in his house and drank it when offered as formality, but every week when he visited Caduceus after that, the firbolg had sent him home with his new favourite.  
There was a gentle smokiness to those flowers he couldn’t explain.


	4. Messing Up Company

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jester's a little too used to teasing Caleb about Essek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More shadowgast ft. jester & essek and finally something that isn't Angsty so enjoy :)

“Essek!” Jester yelled across the street, immediately setting down a trinket she’d been inspecting and running over to where the startled drow was floating, “Oh my gosh hi! I didn’t expect to see you today!”

Jester was supposed to be grocery shopping, but had somehow found herself far away from the food stores, closer to those that sold antiques, magical items, and miscellaneous goods. The items they sold in Rosohna were so different to those in Nicodranas, she couldn’t help but look at anything that caught her interest.

“Ah. Hello Jester.” Essek had donned his usual icy exterior, as was expected of him in these streets, but Jester noticed his mouth twitch up a little when he saw her, an amusement he couldn’t help.

“You haven’t come over in forever!” Essek looked around, startled, and made a small motion with his hand for her to lower her voice, which she did, “I’m getting stuff for dinner right now, if you wanted to come over tonight I could get enough for an extra plate!” 

“I’m afraid I can’t. I have a lot of work at the moment that I need to get done soon.”

“Right.” Jester couldn’t help but slump a little, but she understood.

“You’re fairly far from any grocery stores.” He continued floating along, Jester matching his casual pace as she walked alongside him.

“I did get a little distracted,” she admitted, “why are you here?”

“I’ve run out of a few spell components and found some time to restock.”

“Oh! I’ll accompany you then. Caleb did ask me to get him a few things.”

Essek paused for a moment, in thought. “If you wouldn’t mind, I’d appreciate if Caleb could stop by my house, while you’re all in town. I have a spell I’ve been working on that I’m struggling with and, since it’s transmutation in nature, I figure he could help.”

“Oh! Yeah I can definitely ask him that. I can do it right now if you’d like!”

He’d barely opened his mouth to respond before Jester had clasped her symbol of the Traveler, made a few quick motions, and cast, speaking into the air.

“Hi Caleb! Uh, I just ran into Essek and he said he’d like some help with a spell? Like, at his house while we’re here?”

It was a few seconds before Caleb’s voice came to the back of her head.

“Oh, ja I can do that. I’ll go around when I get the chance. Ask him if he wants to come to dinner.”

Jester huffed. “He still had two whole words left.”

“And…?”

“Oh, yeah,” she said absently “he says he really likes you a lot and he wants to kiss you.”

Essek stopped moving “He what?”

_ Shit. This was Essek. Not Caleb. _

“Oh you know. He uh. Well...” Jester stopped too, trying to think of a way to get herself out of this.

“Jester?”

“Well, um. He didn’t say that. Not really.”

“What did he say.” Essek’s voice was quiet, and he wasn’t asking questions so much as demanding them. It was a little scary, but Jester noticed a heavy purple blush colouring his face.

“Well you know he just said he would come over when he got the chance and stuff.”

“Then what was the other bit?”

“Uh… I kinda. Forgot I was talking to you and not Caleb?” She could feel herself breaking into a cold sweat.

“So, if I’m reading this correctly,” Essek pressed his lips together and took a deep breath, steepling his fingers and flushing bright purple, “you often tell Caleb after messaging me that I like him and want to kiss him?”

“Well it’s not always exactly that...”

Essek pinched the bridge of his nose “But it’s often to that effect?”

Jester nodded.

“And how does he react?”

“I- what?”

“How does he react when you say these things."

“Well… He usually knows I’m joking… But he does get a little blushy sometimes.”

“Right.” They stood in silence for a moment before Essek started moving again, and Jester followed suit.

“Did he say anything else?”

“Oh! Yeah he asked me to invite you for dinner but I figured, y’know, you already said-”

“I’ll come.”


	5. Equalled Strength

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb and Beau arm wrestling while Essek watches in gay awe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more shadowgast thank you so much for your time

Beau almost fell off her chair from laughing. "Say that again?"

Caleb's expression didn't change. Fully earnest and very serious. 

"I could probably beat you in an arm wrestle."

Essek watched as Beau snorted and scanned Caleb’s face, looking for him to crack, to laugh, but no. He was being 100% sincere.

“You don’t mean that.”

“I do.”

“Prove it.” She slammed her elbow on the table, opening her hand to invite Caleb to challenge her. Caleb sighed and shrugged off his coat.

“Jester, hold my component pouch,” he offered the bag to the tiefling, who happily took it and immediately started looking through it, “I need her to know I’m not cheating.”

Essek had a moment of realisation and waved his hand, causing the dishes on the table between Beauregard and Caleb to move themselves aside, as not to get destroyed. Caduceus shot him a grateful glance.

Caleb pushed up his sleeve, revealing his heavily scarred forearm, and slammed his own elbow down, gripping Beauregard’s hand in his own, a strange determination overtaking his face, Beau’s expression matched his, but honestly it was more of a usual cocky determination on her.

Veth had stood up in her chair and cast mage hand, holding the two humans’ hands at the midway point.

“Three, two, one,” she counted, and the room was absurdly silent for a moment, “Go!”

Essek flinched, half expecting his fellow wizard’s arm to be immediately slammed into the table, but he held his ground surprisingly well. 

Caleb furrowed his brow in concentration, biting his lower lip, and Essek felt his face grow significantly warmer as he noticed just how much muscle Caleb had.

It wasn’t, to be fair, a lot. His arms were normally undefined, nowhere near as muscular as Jester or Yasha or even Fjord, but as he was focusing on competing with Beau, there was a flex to his arm that Essek hadn’t seen before, and it was slightly overwhelming.

Maybe it was just human attributes. Humans are generally stronger and stockier than elves of any kind, and though there were plenty of more muscular races that commonly walked the streets of Rosohna, Caleb’s muscle had a sort of subtlety that was honestly driving Essek a little insane. Part of him wanted Caleb to wrap his arms around him and not let him go, and the other wanted Caleb to hurl him directly into a wall.

Essek was pulled from his thoughts when Beau’s hand hit the table, and the whole table started rioting. 

“He cheated!” Beau yelled.

“No he didn’t, he gave me his component pouch.” Jester waved the bag in the air.

“Then he’d already cast something! Fortune’s favour or whatever!”

“He didn’t,” replied Caduceus, “I was watching.”

“Then...” Beau looked around frantically, trying to find some reason the wizard could’ve beaten her, “Essek did something!”  
“I assure you I didn’t-” Essek started, before Jester interrupted him.

“Nope, he was too busy staring at Caleb’s arms.”

Essek’s blush returned tenfold and he felt himself shrinking down in his chair, his mind blanking out every accusation Beau threw, trying desperately to ignore Caleb’s eyes on him.

“Then HOW?” Beau slammed her hands on the table, startling Essek out of his mental collapse.

Essek expected Caleb to look back to Beau when he replied, but his eyes stayed trained on Essek, looking for eye contact he refused to give for fear of combustion.

“I grew up on a farm, and so did my parents, and theirs, and every generation I’m aware of up my family tree. Even if I haven’t done much in the way of athletics, my family is strong, and I got some of those genes, even if I’m not as strong as my father or his.”

Beau stared at him, mouth agape as she tried to protest, and Caleb shrugged.

“Maybe I was just lucky, but that seems like a you problem.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun reminder that beau and caleb both have 10 strength and I refuse to regard the other physical stats on this day :)


	6. Dark Spaces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek wakes up in a dark and mysterious room and doesn't know how he got there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lil bit of shadowgast but it may be a little platonic, as a treat :)

Essek woke to darkness, a loud, pulsing pain in his head.

"Ah, one of them wakes."

Essek looked up, and standing before him was a dark, cloaked figure that seemed to be flickering, form changing erratically.

"What... Where am I?" Essek sat, rubbing his head, trying to soothe the pain.

"Unimportant."

"I'd say it's quite important. Who are you?"

"Unimportant," the figure insisted.

Essek moved to stand, but one look at his surroundings made him fall back to the floor.

Around him, strewn on the dark, empty ground of wherever this was, were the unconscious Mighty Nein.

"What have you done?" Essek yelled, reflexively summoning a spell to his hand.

"If you're trying to cast, it won't work here."

Essek looked down to his hand, and sure enough there was no glow, like he would've expected. His hand was empty.

"What have you done to my f- The Mighty Nein?"

"Your friends are fine, they're simply passed out. You were the first to wake, and they will remain as such until you make your decision."

"You- My- What?" He stood, trying to float by force of habit, but remaining short on the ground.

"I'll let you go," said the figure, gesturing to the passed out bodies of his friends all around him "if you agree to ditch one of them."

"What?" Essek blinked at them, their body stayed distorted, making them almost hurt to look at. He tried once more to cast a spell, but it fizzled out before it could even reach his hand.

"You can leave," they repeated, slowing condescendingly, "if you agree to leave one of your friends behind, with me."

"No."

"What?"

The figure stopped flickering for a moment, but not long enough to let Essek see any details.

"I'll let you out, entirely safely, if you agree to leave behind..." they gestured wildly to the group "the half orc."

"No." Essek said again, insistent.

"Then the monk, or the aasimar?" they gestured to each as they said it, and the respective bodies seemed almost to glow.

"No." he repeated, trying with everything in him not to look at his friends' faces.

"Then maybe the wizard?"

Essek summoned a spell, the magic staying unthreateningly in his hand, but somehow there nonetheless. "Say that again?"

"How did you-" the figure seemed startled for a second before regaining their composure, "Okay, not the wizard then."

"Not. Caleb." Essek put all the emphasis he could on the words as the spell faded from his hand.

"Understood," they raised their hands in mock defeat, "but you have to pick one."

"What if I don't?" he said the words quietly, but they carried through the space.

"Pardon?"

"What if I don't pick one? What then?"

"Then you stay."

"What happens to whoever stays?"

"You cease to be, I assumed that was implied."

It was. Essek had inferred it a while ago, but he needed to hear it.

"Then take me."

"What?" The figure seemed taken aback. "Be aware that your consecution does nothing for you, we're far out of range of a beacon."

Essek shrugged. "So be it."

"You're going to sacrifice yourself? Even over the half orc?"

"They wouldn't miss me. They'd miss any of their own. I couldn't live knowing I'd separated them. They're a family. They're MY family, and I'm the weak link."

The figure paused, staring at him incredulously.

"Holy fuck. He actually did it." They dropped the illusion, revealing a tall figure wearing a green cloak, who brought the hood back and revealed his exaggerated fey features.

The Traveler waved his hand, and the Mighty Nein rose while the dark room turned into what was immediately clear as the lower deck of The Balleater.

Jester was the first to get up, immediately running to Essek and wrapping her arms around him.

"We care about you, Essek." She seemed on the verge of tears, and Essek immediately realised they hadn't been asleep. "I'm so sorry we did this we just wanted to be sure you wouldn't betray us before we could start our plan but we didn't know how to and then we had this idea of tricking you into thinking we were in danger and The Traveler was totally eager to help and we were due you'd hesitate but we had no idea you do this and- oh, Essek..."

She broke into sobs, and the Mighty Nein surrounded him.

When she finally let go, The Traveler stood before him, entering a flourishing but obviously sarcastic bow.

"Artagan, archfey, and apparent god of trickery. Perhaps at your service in the future, but for now-" he vanished.

Essek looked around at the test of the group. He felt like he needed to blame them for something, to be angry.

But he couldn't bring himself to. They'd acted surprisingly fairly, and he was too grateful for their trust to bring himself to be anything other than glad they were okay.

Then he saw Caleb, standing awkwardly to the side. If they'd been hearing him, then Caleb had heard and possibly seen his reaction to Artagan suggesting him.

Well shit.


	7. Matching Marks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Mighty Nein get matching tattoos and Essek is part of TM9 so he gets one too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is another one with shadowgast but if you're really determined you can read it as platonic

"Orly!" Jester yelled below deck, amplifying her voice and making Marius fall off his chair.  
"'m right here," said the tortle's voice from behind her.  
"Oh! Great!" she bounced in place a little. "Hey Orly are you able to do some tattoos for us?"  
Orly nodded. "I'll go get my stuff."  
"We'll be in the captain's quarters!" she yelled, heading there herself.  
It was a few minutes before Orly returned, carrying his tattooing equipment to the spot jester had set up for him.  
He looked to the Mighty Nein. "So what are you all… wanting?"  
"Well," Jester sprung up, opening to a page in her sketchbook, "we were kinda thinking of something like this?"  
She showed Orly the page, which had a drawing of the word 'Nein!' in a bold font, with several lines behind it for emphasis.  
"That I can do." he nodded, "Where are you all… wanting these?"  
"Well," Jester extended an arm, and pointed to a patch on skin just below the inside of her wrist "We were thinking here, but then we realised that wouldn't work very well for Caleb, so maybe just near the shoulder?" she pointed to a spot on her upper arm that she'd seen many tattoos on.  
Orly nodded. "And this is on… all seven of ya?"  
"Eight." corrected an elven figure that Orly hadn't noticed before then and didn't remember being on the ship since the peace talks, who let his illusion drop to reveal a short, slightly hovering drow.  
"Essek's getting one too!" Jester piped up, "Because he's part of the group now!"  
She shot a glance to Veth, who raised her hands slightly and nodded.  
"Alright," Orly shrugged, he'd definitely seen stranger things, "who's going first?"  
Jester was already in one of the two chairs she’d placed, outer layer of clothing removed so her entire arm was visible.  
He tattooed each of his crew first, stopping a bit to admire his handiwork after each one before moving to the next, none passing out though a few did get a little faint, and soon it was the drow's turn.  
"Hold on." Caleb said, pulling out a pearl and pressing it to Essek's forehead as he cast.  
“Caleb, I’ll be fine.” he said with an air of annoyance, but giving an appreciative smile.  
Essek sat in the chair, exposing his arm to the tortle, who started tracing the design to his arm.  
Orly was only a few lines in when Essek started feeling a little faint, and clutched onto the magic Caleb had given him.  
It only took about ten more minutes, however, before Essek’s arm started to hurt intensely again, starting to wince heavily.  
“You good, Essek?” Beau teased, “Want to sit on Caleb’s lap or something?”  
Essek’s cheeks and ears flushed purple, and though it was quiet, everyone in the room heard his small “Perhaps.”  
Caleb was also heavily blushing now, and moved beside the chair and looked to Orly.  
“Would you mind if I-”  
Orly moved back from Essek’s arm, amused and slightly annoyed, but gestured to the chair. “Go right ahead.”  
Essek stood, allowing Caleb to sit before him, then sat awkwardly back on Caleb’s lap, who wrapped arms around him so he wouldn’t slide.  
A few of the Nein chuckled to themselves at the visual of Essek, bright purple, trying very hard to maintain some air of dignity as he sat stiffly on Caleb’s lap, being hugged tightly.  
A while more passed before Essek huffed, still just as flushed as before, “This is ridiculous.”  
Orly pulled away to admire Essek’s finished tattoo just as Beau shrugged. “Welcome to The Mighty Nein, Essek.”


	8. Riverside Guidance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caduceus helps Essek meditate in a way that works for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no shadowgast in this chapter. (ok maybe a liittle but it's the slightest possible implication and very platonic readable)   
> pure essek & cad bc I think they really could have an awesome friendship

Essek woke from his trance, coming back to full consciousness inside the dome.

He carefully detangled himself from the pile of sleeping bodies he’d been pressured into joining, leaving Jester to cuddle right into Caleb in his absence, and carefully pulling her tail from where it was looped around his ankle.

He hadn’t expected Caduceus to be curled up with them, the firbolg had volunteered to take the first watch while Essek got the necessary rest, but he was a little surprised to see that he wasn’t anywhere in the dome.

He felt a small pang of fear that perhaps Caduceus had been kidnapped or worse, before looking around a little and seeing a tall, unmistakable figure sitting barely out of the dome’s boundaries.

Essek slowly and quietly made his way out of the dome, opting to float rather than pull his boots back on, and approached the riverside, where his friend was sitting quietly.

“Caduceus,” Essek whispered when he was about a foot behind him, and the firbolg’s ears pricked up, his head turning, alarmed.

“Oh, it’s just you, Essek.” Caduceus sighed and smiled, patting the rock next to the one he was sitting on.

Essek sat, letting his feet dangle next to Caduceus’s in the water, and they sat in silence for a while, watching the river’s rapidly changing patterns reflect the bright white moonlight as the cold water rushed over them.

It was slightly amusing to see his own feet barely submerged, the water rushing over not much more than his toes, while Caduceus’s feet (or were they paws, they seemed to be a mix of the two) were touching the bottom.

“I’ve fully rested, if you want to get some sleep.”

Caduceus nodded. “I’ll head back in a moment, I was just going to meditate for a little longer.”

“Oh,” Essek turned to him, “would you like some privacy?”

“No.”

He watched Caduceus for a while, mostly out of idle curiosity. He’d watched people meditate before, and he’d been forced to attempt it many times in his life, quite frequently before he moved out, and Luxon worship became more optional for him.

When he’d seen people in the dynasty meditate, they’d always sat perfectly straight, hands on their knees, looking like statues, carved to be the pinnacle of perfection, cold in their worship. Caduceus, however, had an air of relaxation to him. While his back was straight, his shoulders were relaxed, and his hands rested on one another in his lap. Instead of raising his chin, tilting his face towards the heavens, Caduceus had his head bowed, and was smiling gently at the river he couldn’t see through closed eyes.

Essek continued to watch him until his eyes opened once more, and he picked up his staff and stood to walk back.

“How do you do that?” 

The firbolg turned, tilting his head in confusion.

“How do I do what?”

“That. Meditate.”

“Oh,” Caduceus thought for a moment, “Well, I guess I’ve done it my entire life. It’s just a way I connect with nature, and with the Wildmother.”

“But you do it so easily.” Essek frowned. “Every time I’ve attempted meditation my mind has wandered everywhere but the Luxon, I can’t just sit still, there’s too many sounds and distractions.”

“Have you tried focusing on the distractions instead of ignoring them?”

Essek blinked. “What?”

Caduceus walked back over to kneel by Essek, placing a warm hand on his back, guiding it straight.

“Here,” Caduceus guided Essek’s hands to lay palms up, and set his staff across them, “hold this, and close your eyes.”

Essek did, feeling slightly stupid, but something about Caduceus’s presence and gentle guidance was more calming and helpful than his mother’s instructional barks had ever been.

“Now, focus on each sound you can hear. Identify them.”

Essek furrowed his brow, trying to separate each sound from what was overlapping it. The crickets he could hear around him, the rushing of the river, the rustling of the trees and the occasional scampering of wildlife.

He nodded, and he could hear Caduceus’s smile when he spoke softly.

“Now focus on what you can feel.”

The staff. The rough wood on his fingers, with curving ridges, and the moss that covered it. The cold water, still washing over his toes, and the gentle breeze that seemed to pick up ever so slightly, just a little bit warmer than he’d expect. It was strangely relaxing, and grounding.

He wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that, but he heard Caduceus shift next to him after a while and opened his eyes.

“I think you got it.” Caduceus said, standing again.

“I think I did.” Essek raised the staff, offering it for the firbolg to take, but Caduceus shook his head.

“Keep it for now, you can return it in the morning.”

Caduceus ducked back into the dark, grey-green dome, and Essek found himself, for the first time he could remember, meditating entirely of his own accord.


	9. Verbal ft. Somatic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> caleb teaching essek widogast's web.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soft & fluffy shadowgast you're. welcome :)

“That’s essentially it for the somatic and material, but I’d suggest you copy the verbal components before attempting to speak them,” Caleb said, wandering over to the desk to flip a couple of pages in his spellbook, “I apologise, it’s almost entirely in Zemnian, so it may be a little difficult, but copying it may help. It’s a very similar language to Common, at least structurally.”

Essek smiled and nodded, tucking the cat’s cradle that Caleb had just given him into a pocket inside his mantle, then sat next to Caleb at the desk, flipping to a new page in his spellbook.

It was strange to copy a language he wasn’t familiar with, but he’d done it before. Most of his spells were written or adapted in either Undercommon or Elvish, and his most frequently used, those that were Dunamancy based, were heavily rooted in Undercommon.

But Caleb had learned Dunamancy just fine, he’d stumbled over some Undercommon pronunciations, but Caleb was right. As much as the names would seem to imply the opposite, Undercommon was much harder to learn and pronounce than Zemnian, at least from a Common speaking standpoint.

He mumbled the words under his breath as he wrote them, and occasionally Caleb picked up on a word he was mispronouncing, and corrected it in that firm but understanding tone he reserved for their lessons. Essek wasn’t used to being taught, he had taught himself near everything for decades, but Caleb was easily the best teacher he’d ever had. Patient without being condescending, and firm without being cruel. Maybe he just hadn’t had very good teachers.

It was funny, Essek thought, that he understood this human better than anyone he’d ever known, on an emotional, moral, and certainly intellectual level, and neither of them spoke to the other in their first languages. Common could even, he supposed, be counted as his third language, since he’d begun learning it soon after beginning to learn Elvish, though he’d reached a comfortable level of fluency in Common first.

He finished a line and glanced at Caleb, who was watching him intently.

“Afraid I’ll steal something else from your book, Widogast?” he teased, and Caleb turned a light pink, diverting his gaze quickly, but not fast enough for Essek not to notice that it hadn’t been the books Caleb had been watching.

“Nein, I just- I wanted to make sure you were copying the words correctly, since it’s not your language and all.”

Every bone in Essek’s body was yelling bullshit, but he kept an unreadable smile on his face. 

“Alright then, bless me with your assistance.” 

He went back to his copying, resting his unused hand on the table idly, waiting, and sure enough, not long after, Caleb took his bait, resting his hand just close enough to Essek’s that he could casually, easily slide his hand over the human’s as he worked, glancing out of the corner of his eye for just a moment to see Caleb, bright red, before turning back to his work in order to attempt to hide his own, deep purple blush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> took me every ounce of self control in my body to not call this "touch isn't required for the spell but okay go ahead"


	10. A Quiet Cuersaar Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek and Caduceus, centuries after adventure, still meet for tea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning that alongside shadowgast and fjorclay, this chapter also mentions character death. no members of the mighty nein were harmed int eh making of this chapter but they did die, they just went peacefully I promise. there is grieving content though, but it's more happy memories than sadness.  
> also this is a sort of sequel to where the flowers grow, which is found in chapter 3 of this work. so if you haven't read that one, it's a strange order to read a fic in but I guess they're not entirely connected stories so you do you?

The Blooming Grove is quiet this time of year. 

The journey is just as treacherous as ever, but since the Clays started leaving for purposes other than essentials and sacred quests, there’s a few weeks across Quen’pillar and Cuersaar in which the young, loud and rambunctious Clay children go off adventuring, to visit friends in the big cities, or, in some cases, connect to their roots by the Menagerie Coast.

Essek likes to visit around this time. He doesn’t mind entertaining the young Clays with tales of his friends, but this time of year, there’s only one Clay who keeps the garden. Hair pink as ever, and beard long grown out, kept trimmed at the same length his family had insisted it looked best.

Caduceus leans on his cane more these days, he’d taken many hits in his adventuring days, a few heavy enough to leave him clinging, or having to return, to the mortal world. He sometimes flinches when he steps wrong on his right leg, and Essek has offered many a time to help, with spells to heal it or even let him float like he does himself, but the firbolg turned him down every time, and today’s no different.

Essek watches as Caduceus’s knee buckles a little as he carries a tray to a small table, set amongst the graves of their friends. Colourful blossoms that leave each grave clearly marked with which loved one lays there.

“Are you sure you don’t want a spell, Caduceus?” Essek asks, waving a hand to banish a stick from the cleric’s path.

Caduceus chuckles, the same comforting laugh Essek’s heard for centuries.

“No, Mister Widogast. I’d do it myself if I needed it.”

The two pass a look between them, smiling amusedly at the way they repeat this every year, as if they’re following a script.

Caduceus sets the tray on the table and sits, resting his staff on the side of his chair and beginning to pour. Essek closes his book, reaching for a scone and taking a bite, recognising the sweet flavours of cinnamon in the pastry itself, and the distinct flavour of coconut in the cream. 

He smiles to himself, remembering the first time he tasted the flavours, when his best friend had shown up on his doorstep in Nicodranas in the middle of the night, all those centuries ago, excitedly offering a pastry and claiming she’d found the perfect recipe to gift to the Clays, to give them the taste of the Menagerie Coast they’d been missing so far North.

Caduceus pours two cups of tea and slides one across the table to Essek, ignoring the sugar and milk he’d prepared on the tray, despite neither of them ever adding it to their tea.

Essek takes a sip, finding new flavours in it, something earthier even than most of the Blooming Grove teas, though there’s still a slight salty undertone, and something floral and fruity he can’t quite place.

“This isn’t my husband,” he observes, noting the lack of smokiness as he takes another small sip, “Or yours. In fact, it doesn’t taste like any of our friends.”

Caduceus laughs, “No, this one’s my daughter, it was her first bloom early Fessuran, and I thought you may want to try her. You always were fond of her.”

“Addie?” Caduceus nods, and Essek nods, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright, it was her time to go. She was much more orc than her siblings, and she lived a long life.”

Essek smiles, “I’m sure Fjord and Melora are taking care of her.”

Caduceus smiles as the wind becomes a little warmer around them, “I’m sure they are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for killing the mighty nein it just kinda happened I wanted to write.  
> Also I'm sorry chapter 10 was such a bummer but on the plus side. 10 of these!!! that's many!


	11. Failing Teleport

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> remember at the end of ep99 when liam joked about counterspelling essek's teleport? yeah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more platonic essek & caleb that can be read as romantic if you so desire. it can really go either way. go wild.  
> also.. a rare caleb pov.....

“Happy days.” Essek repeats Caleb’s words, smiling at him before sighing and beginning to trace the somatics of teleport into the air as he looks across the group, eyes resting on Caleb for a moment before he looks away and traces the final symbols, “Until then.”

Caleb’s arm extends as the spell finishes, fingertips flowing with magic as he casts counterspell, knowing that if it works, it will simply inconvenience Essek to having to draw a circle instead, but will provide some level of entertainment for the group.

He feels the spell take effect as Essek braces himself for teleportation, but none comes, and he feels the faintest of smiles on his lips as Essek looks around, confused.

“I can’t teleport.” Essek looks back to the group, and instead of the familiar resigned humour Caleb had expected, the Shadowhand’s expression is one of alarm, and his breathing picks up. “I can’t teleport, they know.”

Beau frowns, looking similarly concerned. “What?”

“They know.” Essek repeats, his breathing picking up more by the second as his arms cross defensively across his chest. “They’ve been told, the assembly told them. I can’t leave. I’ve been found out and they’re going to find me, I’m going to-”

Caleb feels stupid. He’d fully believed Essek was truly relieved by the negotiations going so well, but he should have known. He knows how similar they two are, how scared they both are of the Cerberus Assembly. How well they hide their fear. Of course Essek is scared, there had been talks between the people who control his life on both sides. The people who know his biggest secrets, and the people who could execute him if they knew.

Essek is fully shaking now, his breathing sharp and fast. Caleb steps in front of him, obscuring his view of the rest of The Mighty Nein and the ship around them, and places a hand firmly on each of Essek’s shoulders.

“What are you-”

Caleb presses down on his shoulders, pushing him down so his feet make just a little contact with the deck of the ship to ground him

“It was me.” He says, squeezing Essek’s shoulders gently as their eyes meet, and he tries to give a reassuring look. “It was me, I counterspelled you. I was making a joke and I didn’t want you to leave. You’re okay.”

They stand for a moment in silence, even the ships around them seeming quiet as Caleb maintains eye contact, and Essek looks back at him, his eyes the only thing that look exactly like Essek’s through the disguise.

He sees tears start rolling silently down Essek’s face, expression unchanged, and, without saying a word, he wraps his arms around Essek’s shoulders and pulls him into a hug.

He feels Essek’s arms wrap weakly around his waist as the elf starts to shake in his arms, choked, scared sobs that are so quiet that Caleb knows he’s the only one who can hear them.

Caleb feels his own eyes start filling with tears, and they stand there for a long time. He’s fully aware of the Mighty Nein behind him, watching the two of them.

When Essek pulls away, his eyes are bloodshot, and Caleb knows his own are as well. He puts his hands back on Essek’s shoulders.

“Don’t leave.” He whispers, and Essek nods.

“I won’t.” He shakes his head. “I can’t. I can’t be alone, not right now, not when-”

Caleb squeezes his shoulder again and nods.

“I know. Let’s get you below deck, so you can take off this disguise.” He turns towards the stairs, and Essek follows.

“What if they scry on me?”

“I’ll stay with you. You know very well that as long as you’re near me, you’re safe from scrying.”

“Thank you.” Essek says, so quiet and terrified that it fills Caleb with a whole new level of anger at the Cerberus Assembly.


	12. Oh To Be Casual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Essek's gotten kind of used to this platonic love stuff, but romantic love is. a different story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shadowgast/m9&essek. bc I can. fluffy n a lil angsty here u go.  
> just a little thing based off this piece by dumb user fiovske (or eldritch_beau on here) who slanders me in her fic notes (a bitch never forgets a he's be he.): https://tinyurl.com/ya8sfv4x   
> (seriously tho that post is kinda necessary context for the words I wrote. look at it it's real pretty.)

He wants to say  _ I love you _ .

It's not that he fears saying it, the Mighty Nein are generous with their love. Jester frequently reminds him how much she loves him.  _ I love you Essek, I'm so glad you're doing so much better now than you were before _ . Beau's told him she loves him, which surprises him every time, surprises him how much her anger has subsided since they found him out, even if it's usually an  _ I'm just kidding, I love you man _ . Gods, even Caleb's said he loves him, a goodnight to the group as they fall asleep in the dome, the one they all prefer to Essek's mansion, or even, though rarer, an joyous reaction to Essek's uses for magic. _ I didn't even think to use those spells for that! I love what happens in that brain of yours _ . 

Essek's said his own I love yous, too. Hell, he's said it more in the past month than he did in the first century of his life. It's become surprisingly casual, he's caught himself saying it minutes after it's left his mouth, when Caduceus has handed him a cup of tea when he wakes up, relieving Essek from his watch with a warm mug, and without even thinking about it,  _ thank you I love you _ , and he can remember the first time he responded with  _ I love you too, jester _ , that left her beaming with joy, and left his ears flapping as he realised that yes, he did love these people.

But he can't say it to Caleb. He tries, but he always dances around it, it's always an  _ I love this _ , not an  _ I love you _ .

And he means _ I love you _ , he really does, it's always on the tip of his tongue, but he knows himself too well to think he'd mean it the same way he says it to the rest of the Nein, when Veth pulls him in for a hug after a hard fight and he knows she won't let him go until he hugs back with an  _ okay, okay. I love you too _ , or when Sprinkle chews on his ear and he pulls him off with an  _ I love you, but stop _ .

Because he knows, to Caleb, the words will have different feelings behind them, ones he's sure Caleb won't return. He's certain of it.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading if you wanna find me elsewhere I'm always alipopsie and I always love getting comments/messages/asks/whatever so hmu!!


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